I have a naughty little guilty pleasure. It's called Yahoo Answers. People post a variety of questions and hope to get appropriate responses. The site is overrun by trolls, haters, and idiots but occasionally someone asks a genuine question and I get an opportunity to share the knowledge I have. I spend most of my time answering questions about what I know the most about: Literature, History, Games, Food, Cats and any other question that strikes my fancy. It's a fun way to spend an hour or so while I wait for something better go come along. Of course, there is a down side. I'm not talking about the trolls (you know, the ones who ask a question JUST to start a frenzy) or the haters (there's a whole societal structure of bickering and fighting that a pyschologist could write a book on!) -- I'm talking about the complete lack of respect for spelling and grammar.
These two soul sisters were imprinted on me from an early age. Hounded by Miss M, Mr. F, and Mrs B who gave spelling tests every week, prodded by Mrs. G and Mr. R about where the verb goes and how to form a complete sentence, I learned (embraced!) a love of the English language. I learned not just to write it well, I learned to speak it when Mr. N, a quirky high school teacher took points off our daily "participation" points if anyone in the class used the word "like" incorrectly (like, ya know?) Even then, a decade and more ago, the record was held by a girl who said it a whopping 50 times in a half hour class period. That record has probably been broken. Many times.
Do people not try any more? Do people not proofread any more? Have they stopped teaching the difference between "affect" and "effect"? Did anyone else learn the nuances of "since" versus "because"? How about just the difference between "then" and "than"? When did "cuz" become acceptable? Why do people use text speak in regular writing? Is using ten exclamation points any more exciting than just one?
I've decided to join the revolt.
When I partake of my guilty pleasure, I can't help myself. I've started my answers by re-typing the asker's question so its grammatically correct. I fix the spelling errors. (All except for "aight", which I'm not sure how to spell anyway. It's not really a word. I think it might be "a'ight" since its a conjunction of all and right but I could be wrong.) I remove the text-talk. Then, and only then, do I feel comfortable answering the question.
They call people like me "Grammar Nazis". I dislike the comparison. I like " Proper Language Enforcement Agent". I'm proud to say there are many PLEA Agents around. They are my kindred spirits of late. I think if we work together we can end the grammar and spelling apocalypse.
Now...on to the trolls....
Friday, April 6, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Thank You for Calling!
Reader's Digest has this great feature called "13 Things Your ...... Won't Tell You" that they sometimes, to my enjoyment, push out into a 50 or 100 "thing" editorial. It's usually simple things like what your plumber, your grocer, your dentist, your real estate agent won't tell you. I can say those "things" are quite interesting to know. I'm still waiting on the one that would by far interest me the most, but I don't think they'll publish it. It's called "13 Things Your Answering Service WANTS to tell you...". It doesn't exactly follow the usual rule, but, working for an Answering Service myself, I have my own list. Sadly, Reader's Digest only allows 13 Things and a short explanation of each. I'd do it a lot differently. I'd also have more than 13 Things. So here goes...
1. If you're calling any repair service, any doctor's office, or any business that offers ANY type of service, and its after 5 or 6pm or its a weekend...you've called their Answering Service. I don't know how often I get called at 11:00PM on a Saturday night and a caller acts as though Bob from Bob's Plumbing is sitting there by his phone aching for someone to call them. If its 11pm and you're getting a live person? It's me!
2. Please don't refer to me as "the wife". I'm not married to every service man on the planet. While I generally won't correct you,, it still annoys me. This same request goes for my male counterparts who it is always assumed is "the service guy" who knows EVERYTHING about your situation. Don't Assume! This saves you telling your whole story only to be told someone else has to help you.
3. We also really hate being referred to as a machine. I had a guy once ask if I was an answering service. When I said yes and how could I help him, he said "No, can you put a real live person on the phone so I can talk to someone?".
4. I'm not a machine and I'm also not a know it all. I do not know why your water heater is not working. I do not know why your power is flickering. I do not know what that rash on your child's stomach is. Even if I do know, I am forbidden from answering your questions for one of two reasons: a) for medical advice, I could get in a lot of trouble if I advise you and it makes the situation worse or b) for repair questions, if I tell you how to fix it over the phone, how does the company I answer for make money?
5. Before you call, please KNOW your information. I don't know how often someone calls expecting a call right back but they don't know their phone number. They want someone out for a broken refrigerator but they don't know their address. Shouldn't this information be something you know already?
6. Please give me your WHOLE name when I ask. If you work for a business, give me your first name and the name of the business. I only need your last name if its a large company or there are two or more people with same name. Please give me your WHOLE phone number too, even if your entire calling area has the same area code. Just because you think I know your area code doesn't mean I'll guess the correct one. The same goes for a zip or postal code. More and more these days GPS relies on a zip code. If I ask, I need it. Repeating your city is not the answer I want. Large cities have multiple zip codes. Small towns share them.
7. Please please please don't eat while you are talking to me. I can hear every crunch, munch, and lip smack. Quite frankly, its disgusting.
8. I'd also appreciate it if you didn't mumble. If I have to ask you twice to repeat something this means either: a) you're mumbling or b) we have a bad connection. I'll tell you if its a bad connection. I won't if you're a mumbler because there's no kind way to say you're a mumbler.
9. Spell for me, for goodness sakes. Robertson and Robinson sound very similar. John can be spelled Jon. Names like Meyers are a nightmare with the amount of variations. Do you live on Old Town Road or Olde Towne Road? And don't tell me "close enough". Do you want all your future mail and invoices to have misinformation or worse, no one to show up because we can't find you? Don't assume I'm a good speller or a good guesser. I have had co-workers spell Oriole St as Oreo St because that's what it sounded like. They're supposed to ask, but some don't.
10. Do NOT call me every five minutes wondering where the service man is. This does not make him come faster. First we must reach him, which might take some time. Then they have to call you back. If you don't answer your phone, they're not coming out. If he does get hold of you, he might not be able to come right out. He might be knee-deep in someone else's sewage. He might be an hour away. Calling me every 5 minutes is rude and makes me (and the service man) less likely to want to help you. But don't "just wait" either. If you haven't heard anything in a half hour, of course call us.
11. I'm sorry you feel you got screwed over. I'm sorry you ran out of your prescription and didn't call three days ago. I'm sorry you've been waiting on parts for a month for your dryer. Yelling at me does not fix the issue. I cannot make the manager call you. I cannot call another doctor to fill your prescription on your say-so. I cannot force any client I answer for to do anything for you. Yes, it sucks. I know. I'd love to tell you what I really think of some of the companies I work for. I'd love to tell you you're never getting a refund. I can't. But I can take a message and tell them what you say. I'll even sympathize with you. However, if you insult me personally or get abusive, I do have the right to hang up. And I will.
12. Don't expect me to agree with you when you're bad mouthing my client. These companies are my bread and butter. Even if I know you're right, I can't say it. I'm fiercely loyal and protective of the companies I answer for, especially if I like them.
13. If you're calling for a job and you get me, remember that I'm the first person who gets to make an impression of you. If you are rude to me, you'd best believe I will pass that along with your name and phone number. I had a guy once tell me he was desperate for a job and would kill himself if we didn't hire him. That went in the message too.
14. Leave a message. This is what I'm here for. If you call back, you may never get anyone. For some companies, I answer 24/7. I can't tell you that but if I say something such as "He's in and out." or hint that its best to leave a message, please do.
15. No I will not give you my client's cell phone number. I don't care who you say you are. You can say you're anyone. Would you want me giving everyone YOUR information?
16. Yes we still get prank calls. If I'm busy, I hang up. If I'm in a good mood, I humor them for a minute. Mostly I remind them that we have caller IDs and recorded. I WILL call you back if you call as a prank. I WILL call your parents. If you threaten me or my client even as a joke, I WILL call the police.
17. Yes, it is a recorded line. If you can hear a beeping sound in the line, its being recorded. No, I don't have to tell you. Most state laws only state that ONE party needs to be aware that the call is being recorded. I'm that person. But don't worry. All I use the recordings for is internal quality control. Just don't threaten me. I could decide to use it against you in court, and it would still be legal.
18. Yes, my coworkers and I will talk about you when we hang up. I'll tell them something funny you said or how rude you were. I'll giggle over your funny sounding name. But I'd never share your information with anyone. I don't talk about you outside of work and I certainly won't steal your identity.
19. Yes I do care. Why else do I do this job? I like knowing I helped a mother get connected to a doctor for her sick newborn. I like getting a sweet old lady's furnace fixed when its 4 degrees out because I got someone for her. Do not assume that I don't care. But also don't assume that I will listen to all of your problems. I've got your information, I will do my best to help you. Now I have 15 calls on hold waiting while you tell me about your other issues. Please let me get to them too.
20. Don't forget I'm a person too. I like to be told I'm doing a good job. I don't like to interrupted. If I repeat your information wrong, correct me politely. Treat me as you would want me to treat you!
Working for an Answering Service can be rewarding and it can be a nightmare. I love it, of course, but there are days when I'd like to reach through the phone. These above rules don't just apply to those of us who answer after hours. These rules apply to everyone who has ever answered the phone for any company and wanted to tell the callers like it is.
1. If you're calling any repair service, any doctor's office, or any business that offers ANY type of service, and its after 5 or 6pm or its a weekend...you've called their Answering Service. I don't know how often I get called at 11:00PM on a Saturday night and a caller acts as though Bob from Bob's Plumbing is sitting there by his phone aching for someone to call them. If its 11pm and you're getting a live person? It's me!
2. Please don't refer to me as "the wife". I'm not married to every service man on the planet. While I generally won't correct you,, it still annoys me. This same request goes for my male counterparts who it is always assumed is "the service guy" who knows EVERYTHING about your situation. Don't Assume! This saves you telling your whole story only to be told someone else has to help you.
3. We also really hate being referred to as a machine. I had a guy once ask if I was an answering service. When I said yes and how could I help him, he said "No, can you put a real live person on the phone so I can talk to someone?".
4. I'm not a machine and I'm also not a know it all. I do not know why your water heater is not working. I do not know why your power is flickering. I do not know what that rash on your child's stomach is. Even if I do know, I am forbidden from answering your questions for one of two reasons: a) for medical advice, I could get in a lot of trouble if I advise you and it makes the situation worse or b) for repair questions, if I tell you how to fix it over the phone, how does the company I answer for make money?
5. Before you call, please KNOW your information. I don't know how often someone calls expecting a call right back but they don't know their phone number. They want someone out for a broken refrigerator but they don't know their address. Shouldn't this information be something you know already?
6. Please give me your WHOLE name when I ask. If you work for a business, give me your first name and the name of the business. I only need your last name if its a large company or there are two or more people with same name. Please give me your WHOLE phone number too, even if your entire calling area has the same area code. Just because you think I know your area code doesn't mean I'll guess the correct one. The same goes for a zip or postal code. More and more these days GPS relies on a zip code. If I ask, I need it. Repeating your city is not the answer I want. Large cities have multiple zip codes. Small towns share them.
7. Please please please don't eat while you are talking to me. I can hear every crunch, munch, and lip smack. Quite frankly, its disgusting.
8. I'd also appreciate it if you didn't mumble. If I have to ask you twice to repeat something this means either: a) you're mumbling or b) we have a bad connection. I'll tell you if its a bad connection. I won't if you're a mumbler because there's no kind way to say you're a mumbler.
9. Spell for me, for goodness sakes. Robertson and Robinson sound very similar. John can be spelled Jon. Names like Meyers are a nightmare with the amount of variations. Do you live on Old Town Road or Olde Towne Road? And don't tell me "close enough". Do you want all your future mail and invoices to have misinformation or worse, no one to show up because we can't find you? Don't assume I'm a good speller or a good guesser. I have had co-workers spell Oriole St as Oreo St because that's what it sounded like. They're supposed to ask, but some don't.
10. Do NOT call me every five minutes wondering where the service man is. This does not make him come faster. First we must reach him, which might take some time. Then they have to call you back. If you don't answer your phone, they're not coming out. If he does get hold of you, he might not be able to come right out. He might be knee-deep in someone else's sewage. He might be an hour away. Calling me every 5 minutes is rude and makes me (and the service man) less likely to want to help you. But don't "just wait" either. If you haven't heard anything in a half hour, of course call us.
11. I'm sorry you feel you got screwed over. I'm sorry you ran out of your prescription and didn't call three days ago. I'm sorry you've been waiting on parts for a month for your dryer. Yelling at me does not fix the issue. I cannot make the manager call you. I cannot call another doctor to fill your prescription on your say-so. I cannot force any client I answer for to do anything for you. Yes, it sucks. I know. I'd love to tell you what I really think of some of the companies I work for. I'd love to tell you you're never getting a refund. I can't. But I can take a message and tell them what you say. I'll even sympathize with you. However, if you insult me personally or get abusive, I do have the right to hang up. And I will.
12. Don't expect me to agree with you when you're bad mouthing my client. These companies are my bread and butter. Even if I know you're right, I can't say it. I'm fiercely loyal and protective of the companies I answer for, especially if I like them.
13. If you're calling for a job and you get me, remember that I'm the first person who gets to make an impression of you. If you are rude to me, you'd best believe I will pass that along with your name and phone number. I had a guy once tell me he was desperate for a job and would kill himself if we didn't hire him. That went in the message too.
14. Leave a message. This is what I'm here for. If you call back, you may never get anyone. For some companies, I answer 24/7. I can't tell you that but if I say something such as "He's in and out." or hint that its best to leave a message, please do.
15. No I will not give you my client's cell phone number. I don't care who you say you are. You can say you're anyone. Would you want me giving everyone YOUR information?
16. Yes we still get prank calls. If I'm busy, I hang up. If I'm in a good mood, I humor them for a minute. Mostly I remind them that we have caller IDs and recorded. I WILL call you back if you call as a prank. I WILL call your parents. If you threaten me or my client even as a joke, I WILL call the police.
17. Yes, it is a recorded line. If you can hear a beeping sound in the line, its being recorded. No, I don't have to tell you. Most state laws only state that ONE party needs to be aware that the call is being recorded. I'm that person. But don't worry. All I use the recordings for is internal quality control. Just don't threaten me. I could decide to use it against you in court, and it would still be legal.
18. Yes, my coworkers and I will talk about you when we hang up. I'll tell them something funny you said or how rude you were. I'll giggle over your funny sounding name. But I'd never share your information with anyone. I don't talk about you outside of work and I certainly won't steal your identity.
19. Yes I do care. Why else do I do this job? I like knowing I helped a mother get connected to a doctor for her sick newborn. I like getting a sweet old lady's furnace fixed when its 4 degrees out because I got someone for her. Do not assume that I don't care. But also don't assume that I will listen to all of your problems. I've got your information, I will do my best to help you. Now I have 15 calls on hold waiting while you tell me about your other issues. Please let me get to them too.
20. Don't forget I'm a person too. I like to be told I'm doing a good job. I don't like to interrupted. If I repeat your information wrong, correct me politely. Treat me as you would want me to treat you!
Working for an Answering Service can be rewarding and it can be a nightmare. I love it, of course, but there are days when I'd like to reach through the phone. These above rules don't just apply to those of us who answer after hours. These rules apply to everyone who has ever answered the phone for any company and wanted to tell the callers like it is.
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